Friday, April 22, 2016

Change or Die, From FastCo

Change or Die

All leadership comes down to this: changing people's behavior. Why is that so damn hard? Science offers some surprising new answers — and ways to do better.

What if you were given that choice? For real. What if it weren't just the hyperbolic rhetoric that conflates corporate performance with life and death? Not the overblown exhortations of a rabid boss, or a slick motivational speaker, or a self-dramatizing CEO. We're talking actual life or death now. Your own life or death. What if a well-informed, trusted authority figure said you had to make difficult and enduring changes in the way you think and act? If you didn't, your time would end soon — a lot sooner than it had to. Could you change when change really mattered? When it mattered most? 
Yes, you say? 
Try again. 
Yes?
You're probably deluding yourself. 
You wouldn't change. 
Don't believe it? You want odds? Here are the odds, the scientifically studied odds: nine to one. That's nine to one against you. How do you like those odds? 
This revelation unnerved many people in the audience last November at IBM's "Global Innovation Outlook" conference. The company's top executives had invited the most farsighted thinkers they knew from around the world to come together in New York and propose solutions to some really big problems. They started with the crisis in health care, an industry that consumes an astonishing $1.8 trillion a year in the United States alone, or 15% of gross domestic product. A dream team of experts took the stage, and you might have expected them to proclaim that breathtaking advances in science and technology — mapping the human genome and all that — held the long-awaited answers. That's not what they said. They said that the root cause of the health crisis hasn't changed for decades, and the medical establishment still couldn't figure out what to do about it. 
Dr. Raphael "Ray" Levey, founder of the Global Medical Forum, an annual summit meeting of leaders from every constituency in the health system, told the audience, "A relatively small percentage of the population consumes the vast majority of the health-care budget for diseases that are very well known and by and large behavioral." That is, they're sick because of how they choose to live their lives, not because of environmental or genetic factors beyond their control. Continued Levey: "Even as far back as when I was in medical school" — he enrolled at Harvard in 1955 — "many articles demonstrated that 80% of the health-care budget was consumed by five behavioral issues." Levey didn't bother to name them, but you don't need an MD to guess what he was talking about: too much smoking, drinking, eating, and stress, and not enough exercise. 
Then the knockout blow was delivered by Dr. Edward Miller, the dean of the medical school and CEO of the hospital at Johns Hopkins University. He turned the discussion to patients whose heart disease is so severe that they undergo bypass surgery, a traumatic and expensive procedure that can cost more than $100,000 if complications arise. About 600,000 people have bypasses every year in the United States, and 1.3 million heart patients have angioplasties — all at a total cost of around $30 billion. The procedures temporarily relieve chest pains but rarely prevent heart attacks or prolong lives. Around half of the time, the bypass grafts clog up in a few years; the angioplasties, in a few months. The causes of this so-called restenosis are complex. It's sometimes a reaction to the trauma of the surgery itself. But many patients could avoid the return of pain and the need to repeat the surgery — not to mention arrest the course of their disease before it kills them — by switching to healthier lifestyles. Yet very few do. "If you look at people after coronary-artery bypass grafting two years later, 90% of them have not changed their lifestyle," Miller said. "And that's been studied over and over and over again. And so we're missing some link in there. Even though they know they have a very bad disease and they know they should change their lifestyle, for whatever reason, they can't." 
Changing the behavior of people isn't just the biggest challenge in health care. It's the most important challenge for businesses trying to compete in a turbulent world, says John Kotter, a Harvard Business School professor who has studied dozens of organizations in the midst of upheaval: "The central issue is never strategy, structure, culture, or systems. The core of the matter is always about changing the behavior of people." Those people may be called upon to respond to profound upheavals in marketplace dynamics — the rise of a new global competitor, say, or a shift from a regulated to a deregulated environment — or to a corporate reorganization, merger, or entry into a new business. And as individuals, we may want to change our own styles of work — how we mentor subordinates, for example, or how we react to criticism. Yet more often than not, we can't. 
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CEOs are supposedly the prime change agents for their companies, but they're often as resistant to change as anyone — and as prone to backsliding. The most notorious recent example is Michael Eisner. After he nearly died from heart problems, Eisner finally heeded his wife's plea and brought in a high-profile number-two exec, Michael Ovitz, to alleviate the stress of running Disney. But Eisner proved incapable of seeing through the idea, essentially refusing to share any real power with Ovitz from the start. 
The conventional wisdom says that crisis is a powerful motivator for change. But severe heart disease is among the most serious of personal crises, and it doesn't motivate — at least not nearly enough. Nor does giving people accurate analyses and factual information about their situations. What works? Why, in general, is change so incredibly difficult for people? What is it about how our brains are wired that resists change so tenaciously? Why do we fight even what we know to be in our own vital interests? 
Kotter has hit on a crucial insight. "Behavior change happens mostly by speaking to people's feelings," he says. "This is true even in organizations that are very focused on analysis and quantitative measurement, even among people who think of themselves as smart in an MBA sense. In highly successful change efforts, people find ways to help others see the problems or solutions in ways that influence emotions, not just thought." 
Unfortunately, that kind of emotional persuasion isn't taught in business schools, and it doesn't come naturally to the technocrats who run things — the engineers, scientists, lawyers, doctors, accountants, and managers who pride themselves on disciplined, analytical thinking. There's compelling science behind the psychology of change — it draws on discoveries from emerging fields such as cognitive science, linguistics, and neuroscience — but its insights and techniques often seem paradoxical or irrational. 
Look again at the case of heart patients. The best minds at Johns Hopkins and the Global Medical Forum might not know how to get them to change, but someone does: Dr. Dean Ornish, a professor of medicine at the University of California at San Francisco and founder of the Preventative Medicine Research Institute, in Sausalito, California. Ornish, like Kotter, realizes the importance of going beyond the facts. "Providing health information is important but not always sufficient," he says. "We also need to bring in the psychological, emotional, and spiritual dimensions that are so often ignored." Ornish published studies in leading peer-reviewed scientific journals, showing that his holistic program, focused around a vegetarian diet with less than 10% of the calories from fat, can actually reverse heart disease without surgery or drugs. Still, the medical establishment remained skeptical that people could sustain the lifestyle changes. In 1993, Ornish persuaded Mutual of Omaha to pay for a trial. Researchers took 333 patients with severely clogged arteries. They helped them quit smoking and go on Ornish's diet. The patients attended twice-weekly group support sessions led by a psychologist and took instruction in meditation, relaxation, yoga, and aerobic exercise. The program lasted for only a year. But after three years, the study found, 77% of the patients had stuck with their lifestyle changes — and safely avoided the bypass or angioplasty surgeries that they were eligible for under their insurance coverage. And Mutual of Omaha saved around $30,000 per patient. 

FRAMING CHANGE

Why does the Ornish program succeed while the conventional approach has failed? For starters, Ornish recasts the reasons for change. Doctors had been trying to motivate patients mainly with the fear of death, he says, and that simply wasn't working. For a few weeks after a heart attack, patients were scared enough to do whatever their doctors said. But death was just too frightening to think about, so their denial would return, and they'd go back to their old ways. 
The patients lived the way they did as a day-to-day strategy for coping with their emotional troubles. "Telling people who are lonely and depressed that they're going to live longer if they quit smoking or change their diet and lifestyle is not that motivating," Ornish says. "Who wants to live longer when you're in chronic emotional pain?" 
So instead of trying to motivate them with the "fear of dying," Ornish reframes the issue. He inspires a new vision of the "joy of living" — convincing them they can feel better, not just live longer. That means enjoying the things that make daily life pleasurable, like making love or even taking long walks without the pain caused by their disease. "Joy is a more powerful motivator than fear," he says. 
Pioneering research in cognitive science and linguistics has pointed to the paramount importance of framing. George Lakoff, a professor of those two disciplines at the University of California at Berkeley, defines frames as the "mental structures that shape the way we see the world." Lakoff says that frames are part of the "cognitive unconscious," but the way we know what our frames are, or evoke new ones, springs from language. For example, we typically think of a company as being like an army — everyone has a rank and a codified role in a hierarchical chain of command with orders coming down from high to low. Of course, that's only one way of organizing a group effort. If we had the frame of the company as a family or a commune, people would know very different ways of working together. 
The big challenge in trying to change how people think is that their minds rely on frames, not facts. "Neuroscience tells us that each of the concepts we have — the long-term concepts that structure how we think — is instantiated in the synapses of the brain," Lakoff says. "Concepts are not things that can be changed just by someone telling us a fact. We may be presented with facts, but for us to make sense of them, they have to fit what is already in the synapses of the brain. Otherwise, facts go in and then they go right back out. They are not heard, or they are not accepted as facts, or they mystify us: Why would anyone have said that? Then we label the fact as irrational, crazy, or stupid." Lakoff says that's one reason why political conservatives and liberals each think that the other side is nuts. They don't understand each other because their brains are working within different frames. 
The frame that dominates our thinking about how work should be organized — the military chain-of-command model — is extremely hard to break. When new employees start at W.L. Gore & Associates, the maker of Gore-Tex fabrics, they often refuse to believe that the company doesn't have a hierarchy with job titles and bosses. It just doesn't fit their frame. They can't accept it. It usually takes at least several months for new hires to begin to understand Gore's reframed notion of the workplace, which relies on self-directed employees making their own choices about joining one another in egalitarian small teams. 
Getting people to exchange one frame for another is tough even when you're working one-on-one, but it's especially hard to do for large groups of people. Howard Gardner, a cognitive scientist, MacArthur Fellow "genius" award winner, and professor at Harvard's Graduate School of Education, has looked at what works most effectively for heads of state and corporate CEOs. "When one is addressing a diverse or heterogeneous audience," he says, "the story must be simple, easy to identify with, emotionally resonant, and evocative of positive experiences." 
In Louis V. Gerstner Jr.'s successful turnaround of IBM in the 1990s, he learned the surprising importance of this kind of emotional persuasion. When he took over as CEO, Gerstner was fixated on what had worked for him throughout his career as a McKinsey & Co. consultant: coolheaded analysis and strategy. He thought he could revive the company through maneuvers such as selling assets and cutting costs. He quickly found that those tools weren't nearly enough. He needed to transform the entrenched corporate culture, which had become hidebound and overly bureaucratic. That meant changing the attitudes and behaviors of hundreds of thousands of employees. In his memoir, Gerstner writes that he realized he needed to make a powerful emotional appeal to them, to "shake them out of their depressed stupor, remind them of who they were — you're IBM, damn it!" Rather than sitting in a corner office negotiating deals and analyzing spreadsheets, he needed to convey passion through thousands of hours of personal appearances. Gerstner, who's often brittle and imperious in private, nonetheless responded admirably to the challenge. He proved to be an engaging and emotional public speaker when he took his campaign to his huge workforce. 
Steve Jobs's turnaround at Apple shows the impact of reframing and telling a new narrative that's simple, positive, and emotional. When he returned to the company after a long exile, he recast its image among employees and customers alike from a marginalized player vanquished in the battle for market share to the home of a small but enviable elite: the creative innovators who dared to "Think different." 
When leaders are addressing a small group of people who have a similar mind-set and shared values, the reframed message can be more nuanced and complex, Harvard's Gardner says. But it still needs to be positive, inspiring, and emotionally resonant. A good example is how chairman and publisher Arthur Sulzberger Jr. rescued The New York Times from crisis. Former editor Howell Raines had alienated much of the newsroom's staff, undermining its communal spirit with a new culture of favoritism. Raines fell when a star reporter he had shielded from criticism was exposed for fabricating news stories. The scandal threatened the famed paper's credibility. Gardner says that Sulzberger successfully reframed the narrative this way: We are a great newspaper. We temporarily went astray and risked sacrificing the community spirit that made this an outstanding place to work. We can retain our excellence and regain our sense of community by admitting our errors, making sure that they don't happen again, and being a more transparent and self-reflecting organization. To achieve these goals, Sulzberger replaced Raines with a new top editor, Bill Keller — a respected veteran who reflected the lost communal culture — and he appointed a "public editor" to critique the paper in an unedited column. Now, Gardner says, "the Times is a much happier place and the news coverage and journalistic empire are in reasonable shape." 

RADICAL CHANGE

Reframing alone isn't enough, of course. That's where Dr. Ornish's other astonishing insight comes in. Paradoxically, he found that radical, sweeping, comprehensive changes are often easier for people than small, incremental ones. For example, he says that people who make moderate changes in their diets get the worst of both worlds: They feel deprived and hungry because they aren't eating everything they want, but they aren't making big enough changes to quickly see an improvement in how they feel, or in measurements such as weight, blood pressure, and cholesterol. But the heart patients who went on Ornish's tough, radical program saw quick, dramatic results, reporting a 91% decrease in frequency of chest pain in the first month. "These rapid improvements are a powerful motivator," he says. "When people who have had so much chest pain that they can't work, or make love, or even walk across the street without intense suffering find that they are able to do all of those things without pain in only a few weeks, then they often say, 'These are choices worth making.' " 
While it's astonishing that most patients in Ornish's demanding program stick with it, studies show that two-thirds of patients who are prescribed statin drugs (which are highly effective at cutting cholesterol) stop taking them within one year. What could possibly be a smaller or easier lifestyle change than popping a pill every day? But Ornish says patients stop taking the drug because it doesn't actually make them feel any better. It doesn't deal with causes of high cholesterol, such as obesity, that make people feel unhealthy. The paradox holds that big changes are easier than small ones. 
Research shows that this idea applies to the business realm as well. Bain & Co., the management consulting firm, studied 21 recent corporate transformations and found that most were "substantially completed" in only two years or less while none took more than three years. The means were drastic: In almost every case, the CEOs fired most of the top management. Almost always, the companies enjoyed quick, tangible results, and their stock prices rose 250% a year on average as they revived. 
IBM's turnaround hinged on a radical shift in focus from selling computer hardware to providing "services," which meant helping customers build and run their information-technology operations. This required a momentous cultural switch — IBMers would have to recommend that a client buy from competitors such as Hewlett-Packard and Microsoft when it was in the client's interest. But the radical shift worked: Services have grown into IBM's core business and the key to its success. 
Of course, radical change often isn't possible in business situations. Still, it's always important to identify, achieve, and celebrate some quick, positive results for the vital emotional lifts that they provide. Harvard's Kotter believes in the importance of "short-term wins" for companies, meaning "victories that nourish faith in the change effort, emotionally reward the hard workers, keep the critics at bay, and build momentum. Without sufficient wins that are visible, timely, unambiguous, and meaningful to others, change efforts invariably run into serious problems." 

SUPPORTING CHANGE

Even when leaders have reframed the issues brilliantly, it's still vital to give people the multifaceted support they need. That's a big reason why 90% of heart patients can't change their lifestyles but 77% of Ornish's patients could — because he buttressed them with weekly support groups with other patients, as well as attention from dieticians, psychologists, nurses, and yoga and meditation instructors. 
Xerox's executives learned this lesson well. Four years ago, when the company was in crisis, they came up with a new vision that required salespeople to change the way they had always worked. "Their whole careers, salespeople had done one thing," says James Firestone, president of Xerox North America, who leads a sales force of 5,400. "They would knock on doors, look for copiers, see how old they were, and sell a refresh. They knew how to do that." The salespeople had such predictable routines that they could plan their days, weeks, even years. It was comforting. But it just wasn't succeeding any longer. 
Under the new strategy, the salespeople were supposed to really engage with customers so they could understand the complexities of how their offices operated and find opportunities to sell other products, such as scanners and printers. Maybe they would find that the customer actually needed fewer machines that could do more than the old ones had. Learning about the client's needs meant that the sales reps had to take a lot more time and talk to more people about broader issues. It undermined the cozy predictability of their routines. The reps became anxious, Firestone recalls. "They'd say, 'I know how to sell and make a living the old way, but not the new way.' " 
Their anxiety was compounded by the fact that Xerox lagged in giving them the support they needed. It often took a couple of months before the salespeople received their scheduled training in the new approach. And it took two years before the company changed its incentive pay system to fit better with the new model, in which the reps had to invest a lot more time and effort before they signed deals. Eventually, though, the change effort, by expanding the sales focus to a larger range of products, helped Xerox avoid bankruptcy and return to profitability. "People need a sense of confidence that the processes will be aligned internally," Firestone says. "For large companies, this is where change usually fails." Even if change starts at the top, it can easily die somewhere in the middle. That's why Xerox now holds "alignment workshops" that ask middle managers — the people who make processes work — to outline the ways its systems could inhibit its agendas for change. 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON CHANGE

Are most of us like the fearful copier salespeople who dread disruption to their routines? Neuroscience, a field that has exploded with insight, has a lot more to say about changing people's behavior — and its findings are guardedly optimistic. Scientists used to believe that the brain became "hardwired" early in life and couldn't change later on. Now researchers such as Dr. Michael Merzenich, a professor at the University of California at San Francisco, say that the brain's ability to change — its "plasticity" — is lifelong. If we can change, then why don't we? Merzenich has perspective on the issue since he's not only a leading neuroscientist but also an entrepreneur, the founder of two Bay Area startups. Both use PC software to train people to overcome mental disabilities or diseases: Scientific Learning Corp. focuses on children who have trouble learning to read, and Posit Science Corp. is working on ways to prevent, stop, or reverse cognitive decline in older adults. 
Merzenich starts by talking about rats. You can train a rat to have a new skill. The rat solves a puzzle, and you give it a food reward. After 100 times, the rat can solve the puzzle flawlessly. After 200 times, it can remember how to solve it for nearly its lifetime. The rat has developed a habit. It can perform the task automatically because its brain has changed. Similarly, a person has thousands of habits — such as how to use a pen — that drive lasting changes in the brain. For highly trained specialists, such as professional musicians, the changes actually show up on MRI scans. Flute players, for instance, have especially large representations in their brains in the areas that control the fingers, tongue, and lips, Merzenich says. "They've distorted their brains." 
Businesspeople, like flutists, are highly trained specialists, and they've distorted their brains, too. An older executive "has powers that a young person walking in the door doesn't have," says Merzenich. He has lots of specialized skills and abilities. A specialist is a hard thing to create, and is valuable for a corporation, obviously, but specialization also instills an inherent "rigidity." The cumulative weight of experience makes it harder to change. 
How, then, to overcome these factors? Merzenich says the key is keeping up the brain's machinery for learning. "When you're young, almost everything you do is behavior-based learning — it's an incredibly powerful, plastic period," he says. "What happens that becomes stultifying is you stop learning and you stop the machinery, so it starts dying." Unless you work on it, brain fitness often begins declining at around age 30 for men, a bit later for women. "People mistake being active for continuous learning," Merzenich says. "The machinery is only activated by learning. People think they're leading an interesting life when they haven't learned anything in 20 or 30 years. My suggestion is learn Spanish or the oboe." 
Meanwhile, the leaders of a company need "a business strategy for continuous mental rejuvenation and new learning," he says. Posit Science has a "fifth-day strategy," meaning that everyone spends one day a week working in a different discipline. Software engineers try their hand at marketing. Designers get involved in business functions. "Everyone needs a new project instead of always being in a bin," Merzenich says. "A fifth-day strategy doesn't sacrifice your core ability but keeps you rejuvenated. In a company, you have to worry about rejuvenation at every level. So ideally you deliberately construct new challenges. For every individual, you need complex new learning. Innovation comes about when people are enabled to use their full brains and intelligence instead of being put in boxes and controlled." 
What happens if you don't work at mental rejuvenation? Merzenich says that people who live to 85 have a 50-50 chance of being senile. While the issue for heart patients is "change or die," the issue for everyone is "change or lose your mind." Mastering the ability to change isn't just a crucial strategy for business. It's a necessity for health. And it's possibly the one thing that's most worth learning. 
Alan Deutschman is a Fast Company senior writer based in San Francisco. 
A version of this article appeared in the May 2005 issue of Fast Company magazine.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

6 Ways to Banish Guilt From Your Life

Stuck moment: I feel like I don’t deserve to be here because I let everyone down. I just want to slink into a corner and keep my eyes on the floor…Or maybe just quit and go home? I even feel guilty about feeling guilty!
For many of us, guilt is like a certain kind of old friend — someone whom we willingly let in the door, and then can’t kick out.
Guilt shows up when we act in a way that doesn’t sync with our goals and values — whether procrastinating, or breaking a promise, or taking credit for someone else’s work. At its best, guilt acts like a moral compass, prompting us to reflect on what we’re doing (or not doing), and then make constructive change.
But when guilt settles in for the long haul, serving up daily helpings of blame and shame without adding anything constructive to the mix, we find ourselves living with a parasite. Guilt shadows the good things in our lives. It whittles down our energy and self-worth. That’s when we begin cheating ourselves of our personal dreams and needs. We make a habit of putting ourselves second, feeding our guilt, and starving our self-esteem — making it harder and harder to be our fullest, brightest, most creative selves. 
Here are five telltale signs that guilt may be eating up the quality of your life:
• You avoid certain people or situations because they trigger shame memories.
• You say no to opportunities because you believe you don’t deserve them.
• You clam up or get defensive.
• You rationalize or make excuses, even when no one’s challenging you.
• When you play (and replay) the guilty act in your head, it kills your mood and energy levels — and takes you a good long while to reset.
There are three common forms of guilt that can rob us from living fully — if we let it. Instead, let’s kick out the guilt, rather than repeatedly kick ourselves. Here are some ways to start.
THE GUILTY-PLEASURE PARADOX“Guilt-free” is a phrase that gets tossed around a lot: guilt-free TV, guilt-free desserts, guilt-free shopping… It seems that wherever there’s pleasure involved, there’s guilt to be had. We often don’t allow ourselves to do what we want because we believe we haven’t earned it. And, even when we do say yes, that guilty little voice in our heads spoils the fun of a nightcap at the close of a hard day, or that beach getaway with friends. 
Ironically, research shows that guilt is a pretty ineffective way to control behavior. In a 2013 study published in Appetite, psychologists found that people who linked chocolate cake with guilt rather than with celebration had more trouble losing and maintaining weight. Instead of acting as a positive motivating force, guilt actually leads to feelings of helplessness and lack of control.
While it’s healthy to have rules for responsible behavior — a glass of wine with dinner is one thing; a bottle of wine is another — unrealistic expectations of never ever indulging set you up for failure. And a dull life.
Try these tips:
• Let go of borrowed beliefs. If you feel that something you want to do is undeserved, ask yourself who said so. Does society say that it’s wrong? Your mom? Your childhood baseball coach? Then ask yourself what you believe — and respect your own judgment.
• Calculate the consequences. What’s the fallout if you indulge? And what can you do to mitigate it? For example, if the consequence of ordering dessert is falling off your diet wagon, how can you counterbalance it? A morning trip to the gym, perhaps? (Although you probably don’t want to make this a habit.)
THE TRAP OF A GUILTY CONSCIENCEA guilty conscience can be your personal Alcatraz — rocky, labyrinthine, and impossible to escape. But punishing yourself with thoughts of what a terrible person you are doesn’t help you make amends for that terrible (or perhaps not-so-terrible) thing you did. Instead, it makes you self-absorbed and self-protective. You stop putting your best foot forward — cheating not only yourself, but other people in your life.
The thing is, guilt without behavior change is a cop-out. If you did something wrong — even if the victim is no one but yourself — acknowledge it, try to repair the damage, and commit to not doing it again. Once you emancipate yourself from your guilty slammer, your world will get brighter and fuller with possibility.
Try these tips:
• Forgive yourself. Okay, so you did something you’re not proud of. That’s part of being human, but it doesn’t define who you are. Forgiving yourself requires new perspectives. Talking through your guilt with someone else often lightens the burden. When you speak your thoughts out loud it usually removes much of the sting — though it may not happen in a single conversation. You might also try talking to yourself as if you were another person. What would you say to someone else who is in your position?
• Break up with your guilt. Once you’ve made honest efforts to make amends, box up your guilt up and get rid of it. Try creating some kind of ritual that helps you divorce your guilt — such as writing a positive affirmation or letter to yourself, or burning or throwing away a physical artifact that represents your feelings of shame.
THE GUILT-INDUCING MYTH OF PERFECTIONThe bogeyman of perfection plagues us throughout our lives, and guilt (perfection’s enfant terrible) rears its ugly head when we fall short of what we think we ought to be — whether it’s the woman who “has it all” or the straight-A student obsessed with the highest score.
Often, this guilt is shaped by fear of disappointing others: You’re a rotten parent because you missed a school play; you’re a bad friend because you forgot a birthday; you don’t deserve to be happy because your traditional-minded family says you make poor choices…Every time you fall short of the impossible, you beat yourself up a little more.
To lessen the loathing, try to shift your thinking to what’s truly achievable — the tips in last week’s Unstuck post “The secret to work-life balance” can help — and create tactical ways to juggle and prioritize life’s many demands. Because when guilt leads, you try to please everyone, ironically, you please no one — particularly yourself. 
Try these tips: 
• Mute the peanut gallery. When you feel lessened by guilt because you couldn’t do everything perfectly, replace the negative voice with a positive one; for example, instead of “I served dinner 15 minutes late,” shift to “I spent extra time getting the sauce perfect, and I know my friends will really appreciate that.”

• Own your failures. Mistakes only diminish us when we don’t learn from them. Use our Failure Analysis Checklist to reflect on what went wrong, and to surface important lessons that will help you prevent the situation from happening again. The mistakes we make can make us wiser, smarter, and more compassionate — but only when we stop palling around with guilt and embrace constructive change.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

5 Questions To Ask Yourself When You Can’t Let Go Of The Past

5 Questions To Ask Yourself When You Can’t Let Go Of The Past 


“When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say.” – Mandy Hale
Letting go of the past certainly can seem challenging when old times hold so many precious memories and people you used to know. However, we must move on from the past if we ever want to live a happy, fulfilling future. Staying stuck in the past only promotes stagnation and depression, as we can’t ever get the past back.
The past can teach us valuable lessons, but to stay there would mean putting our lives on hold, and that does nothing for us in the end. When you find yourself reminiscing on the past and wishing you could somehow get it back, refer to these five important questions below.

HERE ARE 5 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF WHEN YOU CAN’T LET GO OF THE PAST:

1. AM I IN THE PRESENT MOMENT, OR IN THE PAST?

Obviously to remain stuck in the past, we have to actually shift our consciousness and perception to days gone by. In other words, to let go of the past, we must turn our attention to the present moment so that we can fully enjoy life and all it can offer us. Living in the past will only bring about depression about how things used to be, and the fact that they can no longer be exactly as you remembered.
Marcia Reynolds, Psy. D., says, “You can’t force yourself to love your current life but you can recognize the value today and the possibility for fulfillment tomorrow. Or maybe you need to start looking for a new role, job, or adventure that will get your old needs met. Be careful, you should not decide you are failing at your new endeavor because you aren’t perfect. Making a full transition takes time.

2. DO I HAVE THE SAME BELIEFS?

Going through life, we will inevitably change our beliefs from time to time. New experiences require us to shift our thinking and question everything we thought we once knew. As you think about moving on from the past, remember how much you’ve grown since then, and how you see the world differently than before.
In the past, you saw things from a certain vantage point because you didn’t have all the experiences you have today. Now that you know what you do, would you even want to go back to your former self? Think about this next time it seems hard to let go of the past.

3. IS THERE MORE I HAVE TO LEARN FROM MY PAST EXPERIENCE?

Ask yourself why you keep going back to the past. If you find yourself traveling back in time often, you probably have some unfinished business there. Ask yourself if you have learned all the lessons you can from the past, or if you have more to uncover from your experiences. Many times, we revisit the past because it has something left to teach us that we may not have learned before.

4. HAVE I COMPLETED THE LESSON?

Many people live in the past simply because they haven’t learned all they could from it. The past offers powerful lessons if we feel ready to receive them. Life will continue to send you the same teachers until you have mastered the lesson, so maybe you aren’t actually living in the past – maybe you just keep seeing the same situations repeating themselves because you haven’t completed the lesson yet.
There’s nothing wrong with this, but you need to ask yourself this question next time you have trouble letting go of the past. It will help you to understand why you cannot move on at this time.

5. HOW DOES THE PAST SERVE ME TODAY?

How you do feel about your past? Do you feel it helped you along your journey, or do you feel damaged and weathered by your experiences? Everything in life is about perception and perspective, so maybe you just need to shift your thinking about the past in order to move on from it.

Are you driven by love or fear?


image

Life is complicated — but your motivation isn’t. Without exception, every action we take is motivated either by love or by fear. For example:
• Acting weird around someone we’re not sure about: Fear(What if we don’t get along? I don’t want to feel disliked by someone I don’t really connect with.)
• Offering constructive criticism, even though it makes you sweat: Love (I want this person to do well. I won’t withhold the information he needs to do that.)
• Telling someone it’s okay, even though you think it probably isn’t: Fear (I’m not sure how to tell him otherwise. He might react badly. I don’t want to feel bad about it.)
• Sharing the responsibility for a situation your partner created: Love (I care about improving this situation, for everyone involved. Blaming her for it won’t help change things.)
Whether it’s an everyday quibble (your boyfriend is being difficult) or a really big deal (your job is on the line), we’re all battling some level of fear and uncertainty. And that fear gets to be so familiar that choosing to act with love — which we all know is a good thing — comes less naturally.
But it’s worth the effort. Emotions and their intentions are contagious. Bring insecurity to the party, and you’ll find yourself in a corner. Enter a room with hope, and people will want to hear what you have to say. Your motivation is often a self-fulfilling prophecy. 
Here are some tips to help you show up with love:
• Accept the fear. It’s okay to feel vulnerable. When we act with love, the things that worry us don’t go away — they get put in their place so we can get past them.
• Surface your intention. Underneath the fear you’ll find a good reason. Because I want to do the right thing. Because she needs this. Because this could be better. In sum: Because you care.
• Choose bravery. Love takes guts. When you face the hard truths or uncomfortable moments, you proudly stand by your intentions. And that feels great, no matter what the outcome.
So what’s motivating you? 
PRINTABLE TIP CARD #34: 7 ways to act with love instead of fear
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